Not much is known about the new kid, just rumors.  Mostly rumors that we think he started.  Ask him about his past drumming experiences, he’ll tell you about his days as a session drummer for “you-know-who”.  Ask him who “you-know-who” is, he’ll just start drumming in an attempt to drown you out.  Ask him what he thought of Live Aid, and before he starts drumming to drown you out, he’ll tell you it was one of his better ideas. Ask him about his Royce brand drum set (made by a now-defunct Korean drum manufacturer and purchased from the now-defunct Sears catalog), first he’ll tell you that Koreans were pioneers in the art of tom-tom construction dating back to the early Ming dynasty, then he’ll tell you that the fact no one has ever heard of Royce drums makes them a collector’s item… a priceless collector’s item, then he’ll tell you that “tom-tom” is actually the Korean word for “collector’s item”, then he’ll start drumming to drown you out.

He solemnly asserts the following: he’s been honing his skills to be the future drummer for Didn’t Planet since he was eight years old using an exercise bike as a drum stool and two Philips screwdrivers as drumsticks.  Perfecting his craft in a dark Quincy cellar, or the distant corners of his paradiddled mind.  Ripping out stunning runs.  Breaking new ground in rhythmic ideology.  Dissecting and rebuilding the beats of the greats… Krupa, Moon, Carter Beauford, Micky Dolenz.  The biggest challenge to his coordination has been concentrating on his right-hand timing while shunning offers from the rich and famous with his left.

Everything to this point in his life has lead to this moment, right down to posting an ad under “Drummer Seeking Band” just as we were searching for a new drummer.  Right down to the steady degeneration of his hearing due to constant excessive volume… making those eardrums good and ruptured, ready for our next gig (or is he just pretending he can’t hear us so that we can’t ask him any follow-up questions?)  Right down to the fact that Didn’t Planet was his favorite of all the planets when he was studying astronomy at Berklee.  (We’ve identified several inconsistencies in that last statement.  First, Berklee doesn’t offer any courses in astronomy.  Secondly, no one at Berklee ever heard of him or recognizes a photo of him.  It appears that the closest he ever came to music education from Berklee was when he took a freshman macroeconomics class taught by the Stonehill chapel organist.  And finally, Jupiter is far and away the best planet, in addition to being the largest and possibly most nebulous.)

We don’t know where he came from.  We don’t know where he’s going.  We don’t know how to get him out from behind his Royce brand drums long enough to get at the truth.  But this we have confirmed: his name is Jason.  He has some drums, although we don’t know if they belong to him.  He is our new drummer.  And at our next gig, he will ROCK your planet.